If we’re friends, don’t be nice to me.
Have you ever been around a group of friends that is just really supportive and nice to each other like ALL the time? Even when you’re hanging out with them in a casual, comfortable setting they still like… root for one another? It’s fucking weird.
I simply don’t understand that kind of behavior. I’m a firm believer that true friends shit on each other. In college, I lived with the same kid for three years and I don’t think we said a nice thing to each other literally the entire time. It’s the best part of the friendship. Actually, a quick test to tell whether you’re actually my friend or if I’m faking it and secretly don’t like you that much, is if I make fun of you or not. If you’re my real friend and you’re dressed like an idiot, I’m gonna tell you. But, if we’re not really friends and you show up to the pregame looking like you got dressed in the dark, I’m gonna keep all my comments in my head until I’m in an Uber without you and I can make fun of you behind your back. Because I don’t care what anyone says, that’s the proper way to make fun of people you don’t love. If deep down in my soul and my heart I actually do not care for you then I’m not going to make fun of you and joke around with you, because A) I’m not comfortable enough around you to do so, and B) I actually don’t like you so if I start making fun of you it would begin to sound way too real and serious, which will just make things awkward. Nobody wants that.
Any great friendship needs a healthy amount of ball busting. I’m pretty sure the only point of having friends is so you have people you can talk shit with both about other people, and to each other. I’m honestly only like half-kidding when I say that. Think about it, we have to act polite and professional at work. When we’re around the people we want to hookup with or date we have to act interesting or kind or some shit like that (My relationship history would point to the fact that I am not totally sure how it works.) There is too much fake politeness in the world. Our friends, our true friends, give us a break from all that. What other people in the world could you walk up to and just be like, “hey nice sweatshirt ya fuckin’ dildo, remember that time your girlfriend cheated on you Sophomore year and you got so sad and drunk you cried and shit your pants in a Wendy’s at 2am while leaving her a voicemail.” Friendship is truly a beautiful thing. Which is why I don’t understand the people that keep that same bullshit politeness up around their friends. If you can’t let loose a little bit around your friends then when do you? What do you do while you’re alone, you absolute sociopath? I sincerely hope I never find out.
The people who continue to act all nice, professional, and mature even around their closest friends are some of the scariest people in the world. There’s some real darkness behind their eyes. And not just any level of darkness, I’m talking about like a collection of dead small animals in their yard, talking to a room full of mannequins in their bedroom, or preferring Cheese Nips to Cheez Its level of darkness. Because nobody is actually that polite all the time. Also, friends who are really nice to each other all the time are bound to get into far more, and far worse arguments than friends who openly and consistently shit on each other. When you’re used to being open, honest, and real with each other, then resolving a conflict or getting into an argument is easier to handle. When the “nice” people start getting angry at each other… fucking run and hide. More importantly than the fact that it can lead to arguments though, it’s just creepy as all hell to see two friends acting polite with one another.
Sports is a good example of what I’m talking about actually. If you’re past the age of like eight years old and you say something along the lines of, “I’m rooting for (insert team name here) in (insert regular season or playoff game/series here) because my friend is a fan of them so I want him/her to win,” then you’re an absolutely ridiculous human being and I don’t want to be around you ever, you fucking weirdo. Sure, when it comes to like… life, I want to see my friends do well and succeed and whatnot. But, for things like their sports teams, I will be rooting for them to lose, and in-turn be miserable, every single time.
I also believe there is real value to being in a good friend group that properly and regularly makes fun of each other. It helps you learn to not only be able to laugh at yourself, but to not take life too seriously as well. Nobody wants to be friends with the guy who says, “excuse me, but can you not say that, and please apologize,” after you tell him the shirt he picked out for the bars makes him look like Steve from Blues Clues. It’s important to be able to laugh at ourselves, and we need friends in our life to help reinforce that lesson. Even if sometimes we can all get a little in our feelings when it’s our turn to get shit on in the group chat.
In closing, obviously there are times when you need to put away all the bullshit and actually be a supportive and good friend. Furthermore, it’s important that the shit talking that takes place between you and your friends come from a place of love and not hate. Because I believe bullshitting and messing with your friends is a legitimate form of showing love. I mean if it isn’t then the whole theory I just posited in this blog is bullshit and just a coverup for my inability to actually be vulnerable with people, so instead I hide behind jokes and sarcasm with my friends and everyone else in my life because I’m too afraid to tell anyone that I love or care about them because of a deep-rooted fear of intimacy.
Nah… that can’t be it.
Not A Real Person Yet 