Coffee (Yup, the Whole Thing is Really Just About Coffee) – My Take

So, I don’t really know how I ended up here. And I don’t mean on this earth because public school health class took care of that mystery a long time ago. Ah, to be young again. What I meant though, is I don’t know how I ended up writing this blog. I guess sometimes when you’re nearing the end of your third month of quarantine and you feel like you’ve watched, read, and listened to everything you possible could, then you spend a lot of the day thinking about random shit. And lately, I’ve spent a great deal of my time thinking about the world’s most popular caffeinated beverage. I’m not really sure why this has been the case, but being the functioning narcissist that I am, I figured the world four Twitter users who click on this post, needed to read those thoughts. So, here they are.

There’s an important detail I feel obligated to share right at the top here, which is that I do not drink coffee. Honestly, I’ve never really seen the need for it. As someone who is constantly running on high amounts of anxiety, I’ve never understood people who need to pay money for a beverage that gives them energy. Fuck your caffeine, I’ve got clean, pure anxiety A.K.A nature’s cocaine. (Edit: I guess technically cocaine would be nature’s cocaine, but anxiety is at least nature’s free cocaine. I’m pretty sure that’s what my D.A.R.E officer told me in 4th grade anyways.) But seriously, I don’t get people who need their cup of coffee to “wake up” in the morning. I need no chemicals to accomplish that task because I’ve got my internal voice that screams “are you a failure?!?” at 7:30am every day like clockwork. That shit will get you out of bed and into the shower real quick. It’s important to note that I don’t really feel like I’m missing out on anything by not drinking coffee. Sadly, I think that is because when I see or think about coffee, I’m still like “I can’t have that, that’s a drink for grown-ups.” I am 23-years-old.

So, why don’t I drink coffee? Well, there’s a simple answer to that actually. Because it tastes like what I imagine adding hot water to an urn filled with one of your dead relative’s ashes would taste like. The shit is gross, there’s just no way around it. And I’m sure the drinks that people get at Starbucks or Dunkin’ Donuts that come with half a can of whipped cream, a shit ton of vanilla, a drizzle of caramel, an unhealthy amount of sugar, and like an entire cinnamon stick taste good. But, I’m not talking about those drinks—I’m talking about coffee. Using those cavity-inducing concoctions as a defense against people who say coffee tastes bad is like handing someone a birthday cake as a retort to them saying they don’t like whole wheat bread. Sure they’re both made with flour, but they’re not comparable. Another reason I don’t drink coffee is because I have a rule to never trust any food or drink that smells good but doesn’t taste good. Those things are liars and assholes, and they shouldn’t exist. How dare coffee smell delicious and then taste like liquid asphalt when you sip it? It’s fucked up, that’s not the way you’re supposed to treat people.

Here’s another unnecessary thought since this blog is already ridiculous enough, coffee enthusiasts tend to be pretty big assholes. They think they’re better than us, and they won’t admit that their drink tastes like someone mixed two handfuls of fresh soil and a bunch of dirty rain water in a blender. Here’s the thing about that though, I don’t drink coffee but I do drink alcohol. And guess what? I can admit that most liquor consumed without any sort of mixer tastes like someone combined vinegar, nail polish, and a whole bunch of embers from a campfire in a glass together. I still drink it though, because I hate myself. If I can admit that, then why can’t coffee lovers admit that their drink tastes like shit, but they still drink it because they think growing a beard, shaving their head, wearing flannels, and drinking expensive coffee counts as an identity. As long as they’re up front about it, they will get no judgment from me. Coffee enthusiasts remind me of “wine experts.” Two groups of people who have convinced themselves that the more expensive version of something tastes noticeably different than the poor-person version, and then act real arrogant about it. Both of those groups need to cut the shit immediately. Coffee people, throw out your t-shirts that reads “But first, coffee” in some sort of fancy font, and get off your high horse. Wine people, start drinking $6 bottles of Barefoot like the rest of us because you know you want to.

Well, this was a colossal waste of time. I’m glad I got to actually write down and share some of my coffee-related ideas though. Otherwise, they’d just be bouncing around my head while I pace across my room and slowly decent into madness, all while rocking an unkept, Einstein-esque hairstyle and wearing the same pair of pajama pants that I’ve been in for the past eight days. Quarantine’s going great. At the end of the day though, maybe coffee’s just not for me. Or, maybe I’ll learn to appreciate it when I’m a real grown-up.

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