On December 31st 2019, as we were all getting drunk and shouting “HAPPY NEW YEAR,” none of us had any idea what the prolonged hangover that we call 2020 would eventually go on to look and feel like. From environmental disasters—such as the Australian wildfires that took place in January—to the global coronavirus pandemic that has engulfed the world for most of this year, there have been no shortage of terrible events throughout the first seven months of 2020. Simply stated, that is the unfortunate truth of this year. Despite our declarative and joyful screams on New Year’s Eve—this hasn’t been a happy new year at all, it’s been a shitty new year. And while we’re all sitting around waiting for this year to mercifully come to a close, I though I’d do the masochistic thing and rank the ten absolute worst events that have taken place in 2020 so far. Now, I know many people will not be interested in reading this, but for the few who do, I hope my recounting of these events is actually able to offer you some much needed solace, understanding, and closure in these dark times.
So without further ado, here are the top ten worst things that have happened in 2020.
10. Chuck E. Cheese’s Filed For Bankruptcy
Two of life’s most preminent joys are great food and great entertainment. And when one establishment is able to give its customers both of these things at the same time? Well, that is just a rare marvel that deserves to be treasured. Unfortunately, that is not the way our society has been treating Chuck. E. Cheese’s throughout the past few years. We have been taking this company for granted for a long time now, and apparently the covid-19 pandemic was the last straw, as the food chain filed for bankruptcy in late June. During tough times like this though, I always like to find some sort of silver lining. Which is I’m happy to report that a direct connection between Chuck E. Cheese’s closing around the country and a 200% decrease in child conjunctivitis cases over the last few years has been found. Is it worth it? Who’s to say, but for now, we’ll miss you Pasqually.
9. Mr. Peanut Died
This was a tragic event that some may have forgotten about since it took place early in the year. Personally though, I don’t think I’ll ever forget where I was when I received the news that iconic food mascot, Mr. Peanut, had died in a tragic accident. There are some people who you assume are just always going to be a part of your life, but then, boom … one day they’re just gone. As a nation, I still don’t think we have healed from this. I hope we are able to move past it soon though, because I don’t know how long I can survive the pain. Lastly, to Baby Nut, I just want to say the world is in your hands now, kid. No pressure, but you have some pretty big shoes to fill.
8. Elon Musk’s Son, X Æ A-Xii, Became the Youngest Person Ever to be Cyberbullied
The internet can be a cruel place. Everyone who has ever been on it knows that, but I was still shocked at the response Grimes and her tech billionaire/real-life super villain husband, Elon Musk, got when they introduced their newest child to the world. How dare the internet come together to bully this young, innocent infant. Personally, I just want to reach out to X Æ A-Xii and tell him that despite the fact that he has the worst celebrity child name since Blanket Jackson, and the fact that his father is almost certainly a lunatic who is trying to implant chips into all of our brains—I’m rooting for him. It gets better, X Æ A-Xii, it gets better.
7. Quibi Sucked and Everyone Hated It
In an era when new streaming services are seemingly popping up on a weekly basis, Quibi was one that absolutely no one gave a shit about. That doesn’t mean we should all be mean to it though. The short-form streaming platform was the brain child of former Walt Disney chairman Jeffrey Katzenberg, and was supposedly going to revolutionize the way we all watch television. Ya see, unlike other streaming services that allow users to watch content however they please, Quibi only allowed users to watch content on their phones. Also, Quibi delivered all of its television shows in episodes of 10 minutes or less. Doesn’t that sound like a totally genius plan and not at all like a bunch of old, out-of-touch, boomer executives trying and failing to appeal to the younger generations? Personally, I don’t see where Quibi went wrong. If there’s one thing I know about young people today, it’s that we love stuffy, old, white men in boardrooms trying too hard to relate to us while also telling us how, when, and where we are allowed to do things. Also, I salute Mr. Katzenberg for what he tried to do. As we all know, changes in media/entertainment during the internet age NEVER happen organically or by chance. Instead, they are 100% of the time carefully orchestrated by people in their 60s wearing suits.
6. Kenny Chesney Postponed His 2020 Chillaxification Tour
Why must the coronavirus take away everything that is important to the wellbeing of our society? Ever since Kenny Chesney postponed his 2020 tour, I—along with so many others—have not been able to chill, relax, or ificate myself at all. This national tragedy reminds me of the famous song lyrics “what the world needs now is love, sweet love.” I say that song is wrong though, what the world truly needs right now is a hearty dose of chillaxification. It’s just sad that’s no longer available to us at the moment. What did we do to deserve this cruel existence?
5. Gritty, the Philadelphia Flyers Mascot, Was Cleared of Allegations That He Punched a Kid
For those who are unaware, Gritty was accused of punching a 13-year-old child in the back during a photo session at the Wells Fargo Center last November. And in February of this year, after a so-called “formal investigation” by the Philly police department, Gritty was cleared of any wrongdoing. Now, why did this make my list? Because it shows that the justice system in this country is clearly corrupt. I don’t care what the Philly police say, Gritty is guilty. Honestly, just look at him^ and try to tell me he’s not up to something, that is the face of a deviant. My question is, when will the rich, famous, and powerful in this country stop getting away with crimes, and actually see consequences for their actions? In many ways, 2020 has made it clear to us that we need to completely overhaul our justice system. Maybe when that day comes, Gritty will finally receive the punishment he deserves.
4. White People Lost Beethoven
Earlier this year, theories started circulating online that famed composer Ludwig van Beethoven was actually black. Now—as we have seen from the temper tantrums that many white Americans in this country, including President Trump, have thrown over the removal of certain statues—white people really love older, deceased white people. That is why this potential revelation really made me worry about all my fellow white people out there. Honestly, if we lose Beethoven, then who is left for us white people? Seriously, are 99% of the people found in a standard high school history text book enough? These are the important questions we need to be asking right now.
3. The Process of Shipping Items Has Been Made Difficult Due to the Coronavirus, Which Means People’s Friends Inspired Quarantine T-Shirts Arrived Later Than Expected
Let me ask you a simple question, how are people supposed to commemorate this strange time in our lives, while also showing support for a show that ended 16 years ago, if what is supposed to be their new favorite shirt doesn’t arrive to their house in a brief timeframe? Let me ask you another simple question, why do bad things happen to good people? Due to these unforgivable shipping errors, so many people’s Instagram followers aren’t going to be able to learn that they have mediocre taste in TV shows, AND a shitty sense of humor for weeks—or even months—after they order this shirt. It’s a real shame.
2. 2004’s New York Minute Was Taken Off of Netflix
When quarantine started, many of us turned to the world of film and television for comfort, and to keep ourselves entertained. Services like Netflix were a godsend for so many of us who were stuck in our homes all day long. For the beginning of quarantine, this was great. On April 1st though, something terrible happened, and it wasn’t a prank. The classic 2004 film starring the Olsen twins, New York Minute, was taken off of Netflix without warning. Personally, I don’t understand how or why a company like Netflix would deprive the world of important art during a time like this. Now if I want to laugh, and cry, as I watch the hijinks that Mary-Kate, Ashley, and Eugene Levy get into in this film—I have to pay $2.99 to rent it on Amazon Prime. How is that fair?
1. My “Remember Jeans?” Tweet From May 8th Only Got Five Likes
A few months ago, when some people were focused on the possible shortage of things like hospital beds and ventilators, I was focused on the shortage of #relatable quarantine-themed tweets that touched on the absolute kookiness of our current lives. As somebody who spends time on Twitter everyday, I noticed that there just weren’t enough of these tweets. And that is when I decided to take matters into my own hands. On My 8th, I got on my phone and sent off what I thought was just a truly magnificent tweet. “Remember jeans?” So simple, yet so elegant. Unfortunately, perhaps because it was too controversial, this tweet wasn’t appreciated by the masses at the time of its release. I just don’t think people were ready for such an impactful and hilarious statement. Ya see, it’s funny because during quarantine, when everyone is stuck at home, they wear things like shorts and sweatpants more often than they were jeans. How did I receive only five likes with such a brilliant observation? I’ll never be able to answer that question. I guess some people just don’t appreciate art.