“You’re Not Actually Having Fun, You’re Just Drunk”
As I’ve grown a little older, I have started to realize that everything in society that’s supposed to be fun actually sucks. Specifically, everything that is supposed to be fun for “adults.” For some reason we all collectively grouped together a bunch of activities and decided these things were fun, and we’ve just been going along with it ever since. This is because we live in a country in which we don’t like changing or updating ideas as time goes on. That’s right, the debate about whether New Year’s Eve actually sucks is basically the same as whether or not we need to change the 2ndAmendment. They are both at equal levels of national importance too. I won’t stand for it anymore though. I can’t let these outdated ideas continue to permeate through our culture. Just as Greta Thunberg is leading a global conversation on climate change, I vow to lead the revolution that sheds light on why parades are a fucking miserable activity. And I expect the same kind of respect and praise for the work I do, that she has gotten for hers. I’m looking at you Time Magazine, person of the year 2020 right here, come find me.
Here’s a simple question you can ask yourself to determine whether an activity is actually fun or not. Do you immediately start drinking when it begins? If the answer is yes, it’s probably not that fun. Now, I’m not telling anyone not to drink. I would never do that, it goes against the beliefs I hold closest to me. Seriously don’t get me wrong, I love a good binge-drink with the pals as much as anyone. But if you need to down 12 Bud Light Lime’s just to convince your brain that you’re having a good time, then whatever you’re doing probably sucks. Now, this isn’t a perfect way to determine if something is fun or not because, admittedly, there are many activities that are actually fun but just become more fun once you start drinking. I like to call these activities: Most activities. So, I guess a better test is: “Would I be having fun if I was sober right now?” I mean think about the stuff you did as a kid before you needed the sweet taste of alcohol to get through life an activity. Slip & Slide? Bouncy House? Laser Tag? Even at 23, I could do any one of those things sober as a fucking nun and still have a great time. But for the “fun” activities geared toward adults? Give me all the alcohols you have please.
I want to explore some of these “fun” activities in greater detail.
First up, the beach. I don’t get it, and I never have. Every time you go to the beach, you get there, you find a place to sit, you get yourself settled in and your spot all set up, and then you immediately realize there is nothing to fucking do at the beach. Going back to the alcohol thing—if I have a cooler full of Coronas with me, can I achieve a certain level of fun at the beach? Yes, but I mean if I had a cooler full of Coronas with me at a relatives funeral I could probably get myself to a certain level of fun as well, so that doesn’t count. The beach has so many shitty elements to it. And just to be clear I’m talking summertime, peak beach. Saturday afternoon beaches in July absolutely suck. First of all, chances are it’s going to be crowded which means that within 10 yards of you in every direction there are going to be half-naked strangers. If you go with a group and you guys wants to listen to some music on a speaker, then you have to compete with the 30 other speakers in your general area all playing the same six Red Hot Chili Peppers songs. Additionally, you have to worry about the volume level of your speaker because if you play your music too loud, you’ll get weird looks from the groups around you like you’re supposed to be able to control sound waves in an open space somehow. To these people I say, we’re not in your fucking bedroom, it’s not my responsibility to lower my music so you can nap or relax or whatever it is you’re trying to do on this miserable patch of sand. Oh also, the ocean? Fuck off. The ocean sucks. Give me a lake or a pool over the ocean any day of the week. Literally any time I’ve been in the ocean I’m either peeing, thinking about how cold the water is, or wishing I was back up on the beach with the cooler so I can drink more. The beach is just not fun. I didn’t even mention the sand you’ll get all over whatever car you leave in, as well as yourself, forcing you to immediately shower when you get home. Here’s a simple rule: Any activity that causes the need for an immediate shower afterwards, is not a fun activity. (Sex might be an exception to this rule) (Scratch that, if you need to shower after every time you have sex, then you’re definitely having sex with the wrong people.)
Next, big bar days/nights, including, but not limited to, New Year’s Eve, St. Patrick’s Day, and Thanksgiving Eve. Let me first say, there are ways to navigate days like this to make them more tolerable and more fun for sure. But, I’m going to be speaking more generally about most experiences had on these days. So right off the bat it obviously passes the “do I need to get a drink right away” test. More than that, it passes the extra, “do I need to pregame this to have fun” test. Also, even though you might need/want that drink right away when you arrive, you’re going to have to wait for it because the bar is way too fucking crowded to get a drink quickly. At this point in my life, I’m fairly comfortable with the fact that any bar I physically cannot move in, is not a bar I want to be in. Actually, that extends beyond just bars. I don’t need to be in any place where I can’t move feely. I don’t excel in confined spaces. I’m like Saquon Barkley, I do my best work when I’m out in the open field. Back to the point at hand though. Nights like this are bound to cost way more money than a normal night out, because of more expensive covers, pricier Uber charges, etc. These nights also inevitably entail more stress and planning during the build up, which will always lead to the bigger possibility of a let down. I’m not saying you can’t have fun on nights like this. I’m also not saying I haven’t had fun on nights like this. But, there’s a strong case to be made that we aren’t actually having fun, we’re just blacked out.
Parades. Two things before I begin on this one. I’m aware that this is kind of cheating because parades are an easy target. Also, I’m aware that parades are much less popular, especially for people my age, than some of the other things I’m talking about in this blog. I don’t think I’ve ever received a group text that read, “Boys, arbor day parade this weekend. Shit’s gonna be wild, who’s in?” And honestly, I know this goes against my whole theory here, but if I did, I would have a hard time saying no. But, we all know why parades suck, so I don’t have to spend too much time on this one. I honestly don’t know why they still exist. I mean they were probably a good idea when we had no television and shit, and there were only like six things a year worth celebrating so you could have a parade once every two months. But nowadays, there are way too many fucking parades, and there are just so many more entertaining things for me do than stand in the street and like… watch cars and trucks drive down them slowly? (I think that’s essentially what all parades are.) Now some people might be thinking, “but there are some good parades, like what if your sports team wins a championship?” Well first of all, I don’t really get to experience that because I live a miserable sports fan existence. However, I have gone to one championship parade in my life. When the U.S. Women’s National Team won the World Cup this summer, I went to the parade in Manhattan because I was unemployed love my country. It was not a fun experience. I got there at like 9am, stood on the side of a street in the middle of New York City for about an hour just for a 15-second window where the players went by and I got to cheer. Then it’s over and it’s like 10:30am on a weekday so I just shuffled over to a Chipotle for what was essentially brunch, sat in a bar in Penn Station for an hour, and then took a train home. So yeah, parades are not fun.
Next thing on my list, birthday parties. Now remember, I’m talking about “adult birthday parties.” Which honestly shouldn’t even exist so that’s already one strike against them. Why am I celebrating someone going from 23 to 24? Literally we all did the same thing this year, in fact, everyone on the planet got one year older. You did nothing special. This definitely passes the “I need a drink the moment I arrive” test. If I’m going to spend a night celebrating one of my friends for turning a year older, past the age of 21, I’m going to need so much alcohol to get through it. To be honest, I’ve probably never even been to a real “adult birthday party” because I’m still very much a child, but the idea of a grown person planning themselves a birthday party absolutely enrages me so I had to include it on the list.
This last one isn’t a specific activity per se, but more of a type of activity. I don’t want to be a part of any activity where the main reason to do it, is just to sit and look at something. Fireworks? Get the fuck out of my face with that. Try to sit through a fireworks show completely sober and tell me it was a valuable use of your time. Taking a hike or a walk, not for exercise purposes, but just to like… look at a view? Fuck your views. You know what I can do? I can go to google.com/images and search “good views.” Simple and easy rule for everyone out there to follow: Do not invite me to look at things. The things you want to look at are stupid, and I don’t want to see them.
That covers just a few of the many things that exist, that are supposed to be fun, but actually suck. I guess my main point here is thank god for alcohol because having to do adult activities sober would be miserable.
Not A Real Person Yet 