Quarantine Debates Vol. VI: Food & Drink Lightning Round

I have no idea when the day I can put an end to the “Quarantine Debates” series will come, but I hope it’s soon. While I’ve enjoyed all of the topics I have covered in these blogs (Office vs. Parks and RecBest 2000s Comedy, Beer Pong vs. Flip Cup, Sports Without Fans, and Eli Manning’s Hall of Fame Chances), I am more than ready to never type the word “quarantine” again. Alas, most of us are still stuck at home. And while we are, nothing helps pass the time better than debating a bunch of pointless shit that ultimately doesn’t matter. Don’t believe me? Just ask Stephen A. Smith, Jalen Rose, Skip Bayless, and Shannon Sharpe:

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Speaking of shit that doesn’t matter though, today’s QD topic may be the most esoteric one I’ve covered so far. I’m taking a look at the culinary arts, and many of the debates that have long been prominent in that world.

When I began thinking of possible subjects to debate during quarantine, I stumbled upon many food-and-drink related topics for which I had strong opinions on. Because of this, I have decided to include 15 individual debates within this one post. I am going to share my quick thoughts on each one, before ultimately deciding on a winner.

This is a pretty depressing and ridiculous way to spend my time, but fuck it, let’s get started.

The Debates:

1. Bone-In Wings vs. Boneless Wings

Intro-Slide

It’s the classic debate involving the classic American snack. The traditional bone-in style vs. boneless wings debate could cause mayhem at Buffalo Wild Wings across the country.  However, there is a clear distinction between these two meals that makes selecting a winner pretty easy here. That distinction is the fact that boneless wings, are simply not wings. Chicken wings come with bones in them. To all the boneless fans out there; You don’t prefer boneless wings, you prefer chicken nuggets. I’m not saying boneless “wings” are not delicious, but they will never overtake the much superior bone-in wings.

Winner: Bone-In Wings

2. Hamburgers vs. Hot Dogs

burgerdog

Through my first two debate selections, I have established the fact that A) I was very much born and raised in America, and B) I have the taste palate of an 11-year-old. I don’t care who you are or what your age is though, no one can deny that both of these meals are delicious. In a weird way, this debate reminds me of my Beer Pong vs. Flip Cup debate. In that post, I noted that flip cup can sometimes be more enjoyable because of the fact that I play it less often. Similarly, I am never in the mood for hot dogs, but they’re usually the greatest things ever when one is provided to me. To be fair though, hot dogs are kind of cheating here because you really only eat them in moments where you’re having an awesome time already, such as at a baseball game or a summer barbecue. Hamburgers on the other hand, are obviously much more versatile. I think I have to go with the numbers here, therefore, hamburgers are the winner because I’ve just eaten so many more of them in my lifetime.

Winner: Hamburgers

3. Beer vs. Wine vs. Liquor

beerwineliquor2

Time to stop messing around, and start getting to the important stuff. The “superior alcohol debate” is one of the most difficult to crown a winner for. While personal taste is different for everyone, I’m going to rely on versatility to choose my champion. Wine isn’t really suitable for a night out like beer or liquor are, so that hurts its case. Additionally, liquor is less enjoyable than beer at events like barbecues, concerts, and sports game. In my humble opinion, beer is the most versatile type of alcohol, which makes it the winner.

Winner: Beer

4. Coke vs. Pepsi

cokevspepsi

Coke vs. Pepsi is like The Beatles of the “this or that” debates, because it may not be the greatest but it’s certainly the most influential. I don’t really drink a lot of soda anymore, but that doesn’t stop me from having a very strong opinion on this subject. Pepsi is just better than Coke, I’m sorry. It’s far more refreshing, it tastes better, and you don’t feel like a basic bitch when you drink it. The only thing Coke is better at than Pepsi is marketing.

Winner: Pepsi

5. Chicken Wings Round II: Drums vs. Flats

drum flat drum

Yes that’s right, we’re not done with chicken wings quite yet. Apparently, these tasty bastards just can’t seem to find their way out of constant controversy. As we’ve already established, real chicken wings have bones. However, the question still remains; Are drums or flats better? I’ll admit, this is a debate that I have changed my stance on over time. In my younger years I was team drum all the way. I enjoyed the fact that they had more meat and were easier to just demolish in one bite. As I’ve gotten older and wiser though, I have realized that flats are the superior wing. I actually did some real research for this debate and found that while flats do indeed have less meat than drums, they have a higher skin-to-meat ratio. Therefore, each bite of a flat includes more crispy skin and more of whatever flavorful sauce you’ve coated your wings with. Once you get past the age of like eight and realize that flats can be eaten just as easily as drums, you realize that this debate has an obvious winner.

Winner: Flats

6. McDonald’s vs. Wendy’s

mcdonalds wendys

Although it once again reveals my garbage palate, I figured I needed at least one great fast food debate on this list. I decided I should take a look at, potentially, the two biggest names in the history of fast food; Wendy’s and McDonald’s. If I were to compare this debate to Coke vs. Pepsi then I would say that McDonald’s is Coke and Wendy’s is Pepsi, because while they are both wildly popular, McDonald’s definitely has the greater name recognition. Similar to the Coke vs. Pepsi debate though, I don’t care about name recognition, I’m making my decision strictly based on taste. And guess what? Wendy’s over McDonald’s every day. Maybe there was a time when McDonald’s had a chance in this debate, but once the 4 for 4 was created it was over for them. (IYKYK)

Winner: Wendy’s

7. Waffles vs. Pancakes vs. French Toast

wafpanfren

No list of food & drink debates would be complete without at least one breakfast-related entry. Bacon may be pound-for-pound the most delicious thing on the breakfast table, and since I’m from New York I’m obligated to bring up bagels every time someone says the word breakfast, but we all know waffles vs. pancakes vs. french toast is the true tournament of champions for breakfast food. To be fair though, french toast barely made the cut to be included in this debate so, as delicious as it may be, it’s for sure not winning. That leaves us with waffles and pancakes. They both have their pros and cons. For example, waffles are more filling, but it is much easier to eat a bunch of pancakes and not feel like a complete piece of shit. Like many of these debates, the final decision comes down to taste. For me, no pancake in the world comes close to a perfectly cooked Belgian waffle.

Winner: Waffles

8. Bud Light vs. Miller Lite

bud light

We’ve already established that beer is the number one type of alcohol. And while I may not be qualified to decide on the actual best beer in the world, I have more than enough experience to crown the cheap, light beer champion. Given the popularity of Bud Light and Miller Lite—as well as the fact that they recently went at each other in several TV advertisements regarding the use of corn syrup—I figured they would be the two perfect competitors for this debate. I’ve always found that Miller Lite has more of a pronounced taste than Bud Light, however, I’m just not a huge fan of that taste. Here’s the thing, I drink neither Bud Light nor Miller Lite for their great tastes. If I want beer that actually tastes like something then I’ll spend more than $22 for 36 cans/bottles, but if I want the king of the light beers, then I’m going with Bud.

Winner: Bud Light

9. White Claw vs. Truly

trule white claw

Let’s stick with alcohol brands for a second and examine what is, without a doubt, the most modern debate on this list. Spiked/Hard seltzers have exploded over the last few years and even though I usually prefer a beer or a simple Vodka Soda, I find myself drinking them from time to time. The main reason I felt I needed to include this debate though, is because it contains my most controversial decision. As I embrace for the strong amounts of dissension that will come my way (from the six people who actually spend time reading a food & drinks debate blog), I must be honest and say that I prefer Truly to White Claw. While both of these brands have some good and bad flavors, I’d argue that the best Truly flavors are better than the best White Claw flavors. More specifically, the top Truly citrus flavors are better than any of the best White Claw flavors. White Claw just has a much more fun name to include in shitty memes so people think it’s better, but I will happily die on the “Truly is Superior” hill.

Winner: Truly

10. White Wine vs. Red Wine

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Fuck it, let’s just keeping living in the world of alcohol and take a look at this classic debate. Even though I clearly stated my preference for beer earlier, I do love myself some wine every now and then. My price range for wine may only max out at about $13 (because let’s be honest, it all tastes the same), but I still enjoy a good glass of the stuff. And when I say a good glass of the stuff, I am of course referring to white wine. White wine is the far superior type/color of wine, it tastes like daylight for fuck’s sake. Red wine is fine on occasion, but it certainly doesn’t taste as good white wine does. By the way I don’t care about the bullshit rules either, I will pair my white wine with a burger or a steak anytime I damn well please.

Winner: White Wine

11. Chocolate vs. Vanilla

cv

So, I’m trying to keep these debates pretty lighthearted for the most part. But I must admit, this is a serious one. I say this with zero irony or humor attached to it; I don’t want to be your friend if you prefer vanilla to chocolate. Fuck vanilla. And fuck the boring, soulless, pairs of khaki-pants disguised as human beings who think it’s better than chocolate. In all forms, contexts, and scenarios chocolate beats vanilla. I don’t even want justify this debate by discussing it any further.

Winner: Chocolate

12. Iced Tea vs. Lemonade

lemicedadetea

This is an interesting debate for a couple of reasons. First, both of these drinks are far better when mixed with vodka. Second, if you’re going to omit the vodka, then the truly best way to consume these beverages is by mixing them together. Half-and-half iced team and lemonade is better than plain iced tea and it’s better than plain lemonade as well. If I had to pick between these two beverages on their own, then I guess I would give the nod to iced tea. However, I think I may just have to rule this debate a no contest because you should really just be combining these two drinks.

No Contest: Just Mix Them Together (And Add Some Vodka As Well)

13. Moe’s vs. Chipotle

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I’ve already taken a look at a classic pure fast food debate with McDonald’s vs. Wendy’s. Now, it’s time for a battle between two modern fast-casual restaurants. Here’s the thing about the Moe’s vs. Chipotle debate though, it’s not even fucking close. I don’t know how this debate even became a thing because Chipotle is just so much greater than Moe’s could ever hope to be. I’m sorry to the Moe’s fans out there but nobody gives a shit about your Queso, your bright colors, or your little “Welcome to Moe’s!” bullshit, we just want Chipotle. Chipotle’s ingredients are better, their service is better, and their overall taste is better as well.

Winner: Chipotle

14. Steak vs. Chicken

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It’s time for a historic meat battle (questionable phrasing), before our final debate. Chicken and steak are two of the most important food items on restaurant menus across the globe. Although I love both of them, there can only be one true winner (for some reason). Throughout this list, I’ve noted that versatility and the amount I consume both items are two big factors for these debates. I’m switching up my approach for this debate though. The truth is, I eat chicken far more often than I eat steak, however, there’s no way that steak can take the L here. Sometimes versatility and frequency of consumption just don’t matter as much as overall taste does, and this is one of those times. I’ll always be appreciative of all the times in my life that chicken has been there for me, but when it comes down to it, steak is the superior meal.

Winner: Steak

15. New York Thin Crust Pizza vs. Chicago Deep Dish Style

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My final debate is another one that I don’t even feel like justifying with a proper discussion. New York style pizza (actual pizza) is, and always will be, better than Chicago deep dish. This answer is so obvious that I refuse to keep writing about it. In fact, I’m just going to let Jon Stewart take it from here.

Winner: New York Pizza

(If you really took the time out of your day to read and make it to the end of my 15-entry, 2,000+ word list of food & drink debates, then I just want to say—from the bottom of my heart—we both need to get a life and I’m sorry.)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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